What was he saying? Was he gay? He got quite angry with me for suggesting this and refused to talk any more about it. On our first wedding anniversary I was seven months pregnant, and within two years was expecting our second child.
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We moved from our first, small suburban home to something slightly bigger, with more space for our expanding family. Life was full of the usual: school runs, playdates, dinner parties with other happily married couples just like ourselves. The years passed by uneventfully. When we were about seven years married, I began to worry about my husband. He had become anxious and withdrawn, sometimes angry and defensive. I thought he was stressed at work, maybe a little depressed.
When a straight woman marries a gay man, what does she experience?
I tried talking to him but he shut down and cut me off. The next day, it was swept under the carpet, and I went into a state of shock and denial: he was a good father, my best friend and he loved me; life was good. He never mentioned our discussion again, and so I convinced myself that it was all in his head.
I was so in love that I refused to hear the alarm bells, muffled though they were.
Actually, we looked forward to it! The children continued to grow and flourish. We moved again, this time to our dream home, a place by the sea. We were in our mid-forties and while some of our friends were experiencing difficulties, I felt lucky — almost smug, that we had such a great relationship while other marriages floundered. But gradually, he retreated into himself again. He spent many late nights at the office, or stayed up late at home, surfing the internet. Long periods went by without sex, and he was once again withdrawn and angry.
We seemed to be spending less and less time together. A dating site for gay men popped up. When I confronted him, he suggested that he might be bisexual. There were lots of tears, both his and mine. We clung tightly to each other. He begged me not to leave him and swore that he loved me.
I still had faith in the relationship, though: I suggested we go to couples counselling, which we did for a while, and things seemed to improve a little. But there was still an atmosphere of tension, a feeling like there was a ghost in the house, a shadow of secrecy. When I turned on the computer in the morning, the history page would be worryingly blank. Then once, a dating site for gay men popped up. He admitted to having had encounters but promised that it would never happen again. He truly wanted to be with me. In one sense I was relieved.
He had these feelings, but he had chosen not to act on them; he was opting for me, for our marriage. I swallowed my pride, battened down the hatches on my anger and hurt, and tried to resume our relationship and live as normal. But it was eating away at me inside and I became clingy and suspicious. Then one day I received an explicit text from him to some random guy.
He had sent it to me by mistake. All hell broke loose.
We agreed to a trial separation, but he was miserable and pleaded with me to take him back. I loved him. I could see he was struggling, coming to terms with his sexuality. He believed I should give him the space to have his crisis. So I did.
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So, in a large sense, I protected him. For two more years I protected him, but it took its toll on me. I was living a conspiracy of silence. The children knew that something was up but not what it was. He kept telling me he could make it work exclusively, and yet I kept finding evidence on his computer that belied this.
For them it was black and white: he had cheated on many occasions. With men. A no-brainer. I should leave him, start living my own life again. So he says he has now told you everything, and you start to think OK, he is bisexual and was under stress especially from feeling shame, and we can work on things. He says he wants to, and that he is feeling free from the great stress of his closet.
Now maybe? He insists without pressure from you that he really really wants you. Then you learn months later he has lied to you even when telling you he disclosed all. And at that point, he continues to tell you that you are the problem. He had to not tell you because you want way too much information and you are insecure and that you are mean to him. You are controlling. He insists he could not be honest with you because you are so needy and mean and will not work on your issues. You are needy and insecure and broken and treat him like a piece of shit. You say no, and he says well the world treats me like a piece of shit, so basically that means it is OK to lie to you.
And it was not even a lie he insists. You are really really demanding he says. He can tell everyone he wants to tell that the real problem was I pressured him, that the real problem was I was needy and insecure.
What Would You Do If You Found Out Your Husband Was Gay? - The Gloss Magazine
That the real problem is he was not safe with me. Was I imperfect? I guess that gives him permission to look for someone else! In fact, he told me that wanting men in addition to me was like wanting dessert after a gourmet meal. So one of my imperfections is I actually was gourmet, but not also dessert.
Help! I Think My Husband Is Gay
Was I broken? I was not broken when I entered this marriage. And even if I was, did that give him permission to look outside the marriage? Did it justify him never tell me why? Which proves that he could never tell me the truth.
How to Cope When Your Spouse Is Gay
Which proves that I did not deserve his love and drove him to seek men and drove him to be mean spirited. One of my biggest imperfections, one of the things he criticized me for the most: trying to touch him and say I love you. One of my other biggest imperfections: asking him to stop picking on me for made-up imperfections. So please be careful and qualified—not just in your words in a concluding paragraph of an online comment—but in your thoughts—were these couples you refer to—was the man really actually pressured by this woman and her family?
Was this woman really insecure and broken?
And if she was, who is telling you that? And at what point did you observe that yep, she sure is a broken and insecure person? Being gay or bisexual does NOT excuse what this man in the article did. In fact, she was trying as best as she could to understand and believe what he was telling her, with an open mind. I bet those broken insecure people you are referring to? I never lied to my husband.
I did not trap him no matter how trapped he felt. Remember: the spouse does not know what they do not know. What I understand now? I did not see that clearly in the past. Because I was never allowed to see it. And when I thought I saw it, I was told I had horrible eyes.
You have lied to me about fundamental things while being cruel. Sex is part of that.